Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
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Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
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Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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