Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
