ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
