at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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