Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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