Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
