Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
