I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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