i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
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