having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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