she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
