she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
