he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Someone shattered a urinal.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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