I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
