She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
