She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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