I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
