I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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