3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
