Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
