party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
