There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
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we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
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He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
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