I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
