She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize