if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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