I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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