Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
His hands were made for my vagina.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
