I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
