I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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