when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
farters have to be the big spoon...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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