My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
