i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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