mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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