yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
