He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
