Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
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Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
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Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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