my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
