I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
