I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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