I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
