Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
