How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
