Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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