Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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