Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
