Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
