whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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