if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
