I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
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