I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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