i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
