btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
