Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
