accomplished twins. life is a go
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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