holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize