she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
