Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
