I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
